This post is taken from my journal of the third and fourth days of my ten-day fast and meditation to gain clarity on my career path.
Wednesday, Septemper. 8, 2010
Dreams.Along with my eldest daughter’s Waldorf teacher, I am co-teaching a bunch of… 4th graders? In the dream, which appeared to be set a few years in the future, it has become increasingly difficult to teach children, and the world is changing so quickly; so she is using multimedia now, even though that is not the Waldorf way. We were watching movies about the earth’s dissolution, but every movie included bits about what people were doing to help out.
I remember in particular a ship that was carrying some vital cargo somewhere to save one part of the earth, funded completely by donations; it failed (hit a reef or something) and had to go back, but they’re going to try again. And I remember also an interview with an artist, talking about how the old methods of art are completely useless, but there are always new ideas and new ways of getting things accomplished; and all the while he was doing a finger painting, in oils, of a plant’s root system. He used the white of the paper for the roots, and the green of the paints for shading. And I remember also there was an organization that would mount cameras on little remote-control cars and planes and fly them where people never went — into cracks in buildings, tunnels under the roads, to show what the conditions were in factories and forests where corporations were raping things.
Diet and Mood.The day was kind of rough for my raw vegan fast — not so much powerful cravings, but a general ache and, especially in the afternoon, hunger. It was an odd sort of hunger in which I was pretty tired of fruit, but if I actually ate some I enjoyed it. When I got home I had tons of banana and grapes, that was good. I got some solid work done (even had a meeting) and I posted a quick thing for Druid Journal and a longer post on the word “wed” for Wedding On The Edge. I’ve just felt tired and hungry for most of the day, which has made me rather grumpy. I guess this means I need bigger breakfasts, and / or snacks, and / or water, and / or more fats (like nuts or guacamole). But nevertheless my body feels light and strong.
I drew the third card of the Storyteller Spread: The Pack.
Before I drew the card I thought about what tremendous resources I have. Besides my job, my excellent relationship with Ali, my pretty-good relationships with other family and friends, I have some talent writing and speaking, storytelling and so on; a bit of music; knowledge of science, history, language, and mysticism; even drawing. Also I enjoy exercise and dieting, more than most Americans probably. So lots of good things here. Baggage: probably something in the realm of my father, and even Mom (who at least was always generally supportive) doesn’t have the greatest attitude towards money and professional work. So the card is answering: what do I have going into this that will help or hinder me in the integration of Sun and Moon, to bring me clarity on my career path?
Major Arcanum 8: Karma / Justice.
What this brings to mind at first is luck. Like Bilbo Baggins, I’ve always been blessed with an unusual amount of it. You can see it in my astrological chart (I have multiple overlapping grand trines). Do I “deserve” my luck? As much as I deserve anything else. The idea of karma, in its most profound form, is one of interconnection; at the deepest level, there is no “cause” for my luck, other than my interconnection with the world. Nevertheless it is there.
In my personal Tarot system, Justice is Sun and Saturn, the Truth of Authority — the deep authority that comes from knowledge of truth. Saturn is certainly strong in my chart right now, and discipline is a major part of my fruit fast, so in a way I’ve got this fruit fast in my pack. Also, I have a good amount of discipline, which has served me well ever since college. I know how to set reasonable goals, keep track of them, and achieve them. Is Saturn something that can help me bridge the Moon/Mars Sun/Merc/Venus/Saturn divide? Saturn is pretty much square my moon (off by about five degrees), so I wonder to what extent Saturn is the agent squelching my moon power. (Or is it not holding it in check enough? I always, always, always encounter social resistance when I try to express my Moon more. Am I just externalizing that?)
The meaning of the card according to the book is good fortune because you have earned it.
Meditation. I first tried visualizing a pack on my back, and reaching into the pack and drawing out “luck”. This turned out to be a small lizard or froglike creature that moved extremely quickly — I couldn’t grab hold of it or get a good look. I hit on the idea of giving it some food, and I placed a cookie on a rock nearby. The frog — for frog it was — stopped and nibbled at it. Then I felt I should go deeper into the meditation, to look for a “deeper” echo of the frog. When I did so, I looked up and saw a great serpent-like dragon weaving through the sky. A dragon of luck, perhaps, like the Chinese have. I raised my vibration and flew over to the dragon, to try and get a sense of it. I could feel its power and presence, and also its unpredictability. There was no way to control it. Nevertheless I felt it could be called. I got a strong feeling similar to the one I get when I can feel that a spell or intention manifestation is going to come through for me. This dragon was on my side and would come, if I could call it, or if I needed it desperately. Perhaps it was already on its way. I went back to the temple area of my inner landscape and thought about summoning it — but I was scared; bringing a dragon there would surely destroy everything — it was a huge, monstrous, uncontrollable thing; I was afraid it would knock into the trees and temples and ruin them.
Tomorrow perhaps I will go back into meditation and thank the dragon, see if I can speak with it. Or at least the frog in my pack.
Other thoughts: this dragon may be an elemental power. I reached it flying only near the World Tree. Perhaps, like the Norse Midgard serpent, this dragon is a symbol of the structure of the world?…
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Dreams. I have no memory of my dreams.
Diet and Mood. A very interesting day, and a rough one. My attempts at meditation this morning went poorly. There was a lot of discussion with Ali most of the day about our monetary situation, and how we would help the kids pay for college. We made a lot of progress on this — so much so that if nothing else comes out of this fast, that alone would be worth it, I feel.
In the evening we had a break from discussion of finances and switched to violence (after watching a TED talk by Pinker about how violence has been decreasing for 10,000 years) and areas where we agreed and disagreed with his largely Hobbesian view of human nature. There is something important here in taking the view of human nature that is not entirely self-interested.
The diet went fine today; no cravings in particular, and while I was very hungry at lunch, the grapes did me good. 😉 My body feels light and quick, and odd — it’s as if I’m a bit weaker, but my body doesn’t weigh as much so it’s not a big deal.
I drew the fourth card of the Storyteller Spread: The Witch’s Cottage.
My take on the Witch’s Cottage is that it’s the Supernatural Guidance — like Obi Wan Kenobi, or Gandalf or Strider for the Hobbits. It’s help from beyond. But it can be a struggle to accept that help…
Four of Jewels.
The interpretation here is extremely clear-cut: You’re being a miser, you’re giving in too much to greed. Give it up.
To me, though, that simple interpretation feels wrong. I’m not asking for loads of money, or for something I don’t deserve. I’m asking to be set free to work on projects of my choosing, to find my highest calling and integrate that with my work. This is not greedy. I mean, why am I given these gifts if I’m told not to express them? Tell me that!
So I don’t believe that’s the true meaning of the card. Something deeper is in here, perhaps very deep. I tried doing a meditation with my anima, but I didn’t feel like I could get very far with it. We played with four jewels on a table, and compared how lovely and symmetrical a triangle was compared with a square… Sure, but then I put the fourth jewel above the others, making a three-dimensional figure with four triangles. Not sure what that’s about, unless it’s an encouragement for me to seek unconventional answers. In any case I will think about it later, when I can go deeper.