When Meditation Fails
At the end of August I decided to take a week off — from my work, my family, my wife, from everything – and I headed into the woods. I hiked the Appalachian Trail for five days, alone. A lot was happening in my life, and I wanted to get away, get some perspective… I’d had my head buried in my work for months, while my personal life was spiraling into very strange waters; and I didn’t really know how I felt about it. I needed to figure out where I was, and where I was going.
Well, it didn’t really work.
During the day I walked myself to exhaustion. In the evenings I meditated, and I got pretty much the same message I’ve been getting for months — “Figure out what you want, and then get it.” My guides essentially assured me that everything was fine. I got rather more information from my Tarot cards, but of necessity the information was vague. In any case I was deeply unprepared for what was waiting for me when I got back to civilization.
There are problems in my marriage — deep problems that have been building for years. Some problems I knew about, but didn’t realize how bad they really were. Other problems I was totally in the dark about.
Why didn’t I see this in meditation? Why didn’t my guides warn me?
I spoke with Slade a few days ago, and he helped me see why. I didn’t want to know. I had been telling them — for months — subconsciously — that I didn’t want to know anything bad about my marriage. I was too buried in work to deal with it. And at a very deep level, I did know something was wrong, but I didn’t want to deal with it. Let me focus on this, I prayed to them. Don’t make me face it. Consciously, of course, I was asking for the information. But really I was turning a deaf ear.
And so I was completely in the dark…Â Until my wife set me straight.
As Slade says, we are all guides for each other…Â My wife wouldn’t let me turn away.
How can I keep this from happening again? How can I make sure I’m not subconsciously shutting out some other vital information?
I don’t know.
Somehow…Â I must work harder to make the subconscious conscious.
September 17th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
When we don’t want to see what is in front of us, it is called denial. I just recently pointed this out to my daughter unsuccessfully. I have to leave it alone. It is her life, not mine. She will wake up or not when she wants to. With the help of your wife, you are now awake. Don’t go back to sleep. All any of us can do is work on ourselves. Since others are mirrors for us, maybe I need to see if I am in denial about anything in my own life right now. Thanks for sharing your story.
September 25th, 2008 at 1:45 am
[...] I mentioned in this recent post, I went on the Trail hoping to gain some clarity and insight, but I got precious little. It [...]